monday was a fun day. the state crew had a cook-out, then a p&p party... (porn & pizza) they even had a birthday cake for me!!! :) love em!!!... then a select few headed to the local watering hole. :) good times. got home not too entirely late, and proceeded to have a rather scandalous conversation with my #1 favorite in the world. hehehe i swear, you can't keep the smile off my face when i talk to the hottie. it's ridiculous. everytime i get to the point where i'm almost able to wash my hands of the whole affair, it comes back with a vengence. part of me would love to look into a crystal ball and find out the ultimate outcome of my most enduring love affair, but the more pessimistic and definitely more influential part of me doesn't want to know at all.... mostly because i just hope it doesn't end at all.
ashlie's insistance on calling me carrie was at first alarming but now actually rather reassuring. i mean, if i'm carrie, then the hottie is big, and we all know how that ended, right? my life doesn't have to be a fairy-tale, or even a ninety-minute romantic comedy with a perfect ending.... i'll suffer through any number of soap opera seasons, as long as i can believe there will be a big kiss from the one i want in the end....
anyway.... it was quite distressing to find that the hottie's not feeling so hot these days.... but at the same time reassuring to hear that we all have our issues. it's funny, when i think back to that random meeting on a curb in dublin, i cannot trick myself into remembering any immediate physical attraction... because i know there wasn't any... but now i cannot think of a single person i find more pleasing to look at.
my grandmother recently gave me a copy of this book of horoscopes she's had since 1940-something, although i think i've had my horoscope memorized since i was two, the truly amazing part being: you will not fall in love at first sight, but when you do love, you will do so thoroughly and with absolute devotion. it's so true. i don't like anyone, and i mean anyone, the first time i meet them. and the absolute devotion part is annoyingly correct... even when every bone in your body is screaming that the situation is so wrong and not at all worth it....
i was hoping to have some big symbolic change in my life occur on or around my birthday, to prove, if nothing else, that the past year hasn't been a huge waste. so far it doesn't look like that will be happening.... but hey, i got a birthday cake from the state crew, that's gotta be something, right?
i've been listening to a lot of madonna today.... no real reason other than i found something to remember and it made me remember how much i love madonna's ballads. so many songs off this album are so appropriate for various aspects of my life at this moment..... wouldn't life be so wonderful if you could simply tell a person "please listen to this song, it explains everything better than i ever could...." knowing my sense of timing, i would only do it after the other person had decided not to care.
~courtney
"Say good-bye to not knowing when
The truth in my whole life began
Say good-bye to not knowing how to cry
You taught me that
And I'll remember the strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you saved me
I'll remember
inside, i was a child
that could not mend a broken wing
outside, i looked for a way
to teach my heart to sing"
~madonna
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