i need you...

i am completely obsessed with rufus' version of "chelsea hotel no.2". listening to it, i remembered being moved by it in nyc last november... something i had forgotten about entirely. i cannot wait for the movie soundtrack to come out next week - what horrible timing that it isn't out already, although i suppose the movie hasn't been released nationwide yet. i found a version online from a show rufus did in france last fall... all the more exciting since he introduces the song in french. tres sexy. the sound quality isn't good, but july 25 is just seven days away.

very productive day considering i was only up for half of it. something's wrong with jimi, he kept me up most of last night. he's going to the vet this week, i doubt it's serious, but who can say. i swear, if something were to be seriously wrong with him, there'd be a one-way ticket to london in my immediate future, and no looking back. f*ck visas.

had my monthly dinner/chat fest with ashley tonight. the experience of two years of wedded bliss gives her an insight i doubt i'll ever have. she's a good ear, one that will be sorely, if not conspicuously, missed wherever i end up in this world.

on the ride home i reflected (i have a lot of time for reflection these days) on friendships and relationships, and i thought about the various individuals i've deemed "important" at some stage or another. i thought about the good times, and the severe let-downs.

it seems quite often people are more important than you could ever express in words, and for that reason you never really try. and, conversely, people are often far less important than they'll ever realize - the ones that think your life revolves around them, that you cannot truly have a good time or chance at spiritual enlightment without them. the unimportant ones are the fun, free, easily-discarded relationships that don't take up anymore time than you allow, and for that reason are the easiest ones to return to after time away. the important ones take time and effort to maintain, and over time they become, at once, both more stable and more fragile. stable in that they can tolerate more abuse, but fragile in that the cracks can move deeply and silently beneath surface without anyone noticing, until suddenly the entire structure collapses, never to be built up again.

i think that i frequently confuse the two in my own life - the important versus the unimportant. i've always been entirely too selfish for my own good, willing to make an effort with people only so long as i felt they were living up to my standards. i've put perfect strangers into the important category, and pushed potential soulmates (romantic and platonic) into the unimportant column. it takes me months, sometimes years, to see the error of my ways... by which time no one, including myself, cares anymore. i hate asking for help, and the unimportant never know me well enough to see that i need it, and the important assume i'll ask. miscommunication and misinterpretation. the road to hell is paved with good intentions... anyway. self-reflection is overrated.

i never get tired of looking at these carnegie hall pictures. simply amazing... both the memories and the men.


am i kidding myself about all of this? probably.

~cfc



"Ah but you got away, didn't you babe,
you just turned your back on the crowd,
you got away...
I never once heard you say,
i need you, i don't need you.
i need you, i don't need you,
and all of that jiving around..."
~l. cohen