to start with...

stuck in hell at the moment.... or the box office as it's known this evening... i think that right now, 9.44pm on tues dec 12, i'm in my own worst nightmare. really annoying music, more annoying crowd, pile of worries on my mind.

haven't written in a while... only because i didn't understand "busy" until just recently. my day job isn't improving, despite my best efforts, and i'm already looking for an escape plan. at this point i'm just trying to survive to 2007.

what's new? well i guess the most easily dismissable yet terribly exciting thing is that i have rid myself of the razzzzr and all it's bad karma and moved onto the chocolate!! :) i missed my sliding sexi-ness.

ray was this monday, damien's this saturday. i love good concerts and i'm increasingly aware of how old i'm becoming when i think of all the concerts that are passing me by... (pete, ben, jenny in the past two months...) there was a day and age when i wouldn't have missed a single moment, but these days it's all about priorities and budgeting. budgeting for what?? who knows. but something. something fun and exciting. when it's my turn to march up to glory, i'm gonna have one hell of a story!.... (been listening to a lot of the chicks lately!) :)

this weekend i sacrificed my determined celibacy for a recycled lapse in judgement... a lapse i actually felt pretty good about until a conversation this evening with one of my biggest fans. it's really amazing how the best of intentions can leave you feeling like the lowest common denominator. i know that i am tolerant of the wrong people, which is ironic given that i'm so intolerant of most people.... but when, and how, do you stop? is it ever possible to reach the point of saying 'enough, i'm better than this'. i sometimes think that while everyone has a point, a breaking point, the point of no return, there are exceptions to every rule. people, places, things, that will always be able to fog your mind and trap you in a room where memories, logic, reasons, emotions can't reach you anymore. is it sad and pathetic to succumb? or just a human impluse?

i don't enjoy feeling sad and pathetic, especially given the reason why.

if i'm being totally honest with myself then i have to admit that i'm using other people's actions to justify staying miserable. i hold out, hoping that the unlikely will occur and a magical solution will appear in front of my face. give me a reason to stay in DC, ask me to move to NYC, offer me a job in LA.... i'm holding out hope for a fairy tale, and it's just not going to happen. london was an easy decision to make b/c all the choices were made for me. no worries, no anxiety... just bought the ticket and waited for the adventure to begin. i wasn't fearless, i was lazy. these days i'm allowing insecurity to consume me and push away opportunities at every corner.

yesterday is gone, yesterday is dead. get it through your head and walk away...

c'est la vie!

~cfc

"every kind of love
or at least my kind of love
must be an imaginary love
to start with"
~rufus