in the (very likely) event that I become increasingly grumpy throughout the next six weeks (note: just over six weeks til gitta visits!!) allow me to take a minute to share my schedule:
Monday: Work Job #1 10 to 6
Tuesday: Work Job #1 10 to 6, Class 7 to 10
Wednesday: Work Job #1 10 to 6, Job #2 6.30 to ?? (typically midnight)
Thursday: Work Job #1 10 to 6, Job #2 6.30 to ?? (typically midnight)
Friday: Work Job #1 10 to 6, attempt to have a non-state social life
Saturday: Work Job #2 5 to ??? (typically 3am)
Sunday: Work Job #2 any assortment of hours
toni calls my taste in music a dichotomy, and i've never heard a more appropriate description of my personality....
take my crazy schedule... on one hand i don't care. i've spent the majority of the last 12 months doing nothing, so it's good to be busy and it's nice to have money to pay off some of my bills.... AND when gitta finally arrives i'll be SOOO happy to have a nice real vacation with someone who's company i truly enjoy! :) so yay for that. also (so far) i truly like everyone at both of my jobs, so it's not like i have to force myself to go to work. indeed, it will be difficult to juggle performances at both jobs, only because i'll want to be at all of them.
on the other hand, being incredibly busy doesn't necessarily alter or re-prioritize your emotions. i'm continuing to deal with the same demons that have plagued me for the past year, and while it's great to have a new job and new opportunities, i sometimes feel like every step forward is overshadowed by something negative. between work and my family my reputation as a "bitch" is coming up more and more often these days and it's really getting old. there is a clear difference between being rude and just being honest, and i think that no matter how it comes across, my so-called "bitchiness" is rooted in a deep desire to tell the truth. i have never (and by "never" i mean from age zero) ever seen the point in pretending to have feelings that don't exist. If you don't care for someone or something then why pretend? Why put on an act? Who does that benefit? Ultimately, no one.... Furthermore, if you don't know someone, how can you trust them right away? What is the point of immediately becoming close to someone when they've done nothing to deserve your trust? I'm not saying no person is trustworthy, i just believe there's should ALWAYS be a grace period of sorts, a time to become familiar with someone before you begin dishing out your deepest secrets. Because of this, I will never be the type of person to immediately embrace anyone i don't know. I don't think this is a negative character trait... i think it's smart and safe. however, at my job and home, i'm told it comes across as "snobby" and "elitist"... well you know what? i think people need to be less sensitive!
anyway, so yeah, trying to be a "nice" person would be one example of my demons these days. trying to be more considerate of myself is definitely another. why do i abuse myself with copious amounts of alcohol and bad decisions? i'm a better person than i often remember, and i need to start acting like it. i've taken gitta's words to heart and i'm trying to live for the moment, accept where i am and make the best of what's around, but i can't do that until i learn to love myself again. because i haven't loved myself recently. i've become so caught up in the negatives i've forgotten that i'm a beautiful girl with a lot going for her. (and a slight superiority complex, hehehe.) but on the flip side, I sometimes have more confidence than I know what to do with, and surely that can't be healthy either.
hand in hand with loving myself is loving the men in my life. on one level i'm so ready for something serious... i'm ready to be in love and i want it more than i care to admit, so i place certain boys on pedestals and i wait like a hungry dog staring at table scraps. it's pathetic and sad and totally opposite what i want to be. on the other hand, i obsess over my independence, and i am truly terrified of words like "permanent" or "long-term" or "indefinite" or, of course "til death do we part"... random boys flutter in and out of my life, and the ones that dare to make long-term suggestions are driven away, never to come back. i continually hold out for the improbable, constantly suggesting anything less than *what i think i want* would be futile. but why am i so afraid to even try?
perhaps because of guilt - guilt which has been pestering me lately because, of all things, someone's choice of song on their my*space page. it's a person i've barely met, but probably hates me because of a decision i made. i feel guilty not because of what i did, but because there are so many people everyday making the exact same decision i did, with total disregard to the consequences or the people involved.. how can love exist in such a careless world?
WOW i've gotten way more philosophical than i intended to on a wednesday afternoon, lol. regardless of all my ramblings, my goal is to make peace with myself by the end of the year... i have high hopes for 2007...
~courtney
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2 comments:
You speak so much sense. At times, almost like reading about myself. LOVE YOU, Hxxx
Wow. Nice one! Love your ideas and your newly-found determination to walk the path that they call life... Keep it up!
Can't wait to see you,
xxxG
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